Thursday, August 13, 2009

I'm Gonna Be On Tv


My doctor appointment wasn't so bad yesterday, more blood loss. Six vials worth. The technician was the world's gift to blood draws. I didn't feel a thing at the time. Feels like a lamprey made a meal of me today, though. Tracy? Stacey (that's not my name)? I'll have to make sure only to get blood drawn when she's on staff.

That's realistic.

The doctor was a nice guy too. A portly middle aged man with a good sense of humor and Billy Mays' beard. Doctors with humor are too hard to find. Most of them have such sterile personalities. This is the sort of dude you'd like to go have a drink with on Fridays or beat up in Street Fighter if he weren't your doctor.

This guy is scheduling me for two more tests. Trying to figure out why I don't absorb enough calories and vitamins from my nom noms. The first, they are going to feed me two eggs and a piece of toast laced with some sort of chemical contrast then lay me down under an x-ray device and watch me digest them. That just sounds all sorts of neat.

My stomach's going to be on TV!

The second test, rather funny story. The doctor says, "Well it's more invasive. We're going to take a scope..." and I'm thinking in my head, "Oh god, not a scope. Those never go anyplace pleasant from the stories I've heard." But he says then, "And force it down your throat..." and I must have looked so happy and relieved because he paused and said, "Most people don't seem that happy about this test." So I just laugh and say, "Dude, you have no idea what I was thinking!" then we both laugh.

So for the second test they intend to shove a scope down my throat and peek around the inside of my stomach in real time. Not cool, dude. Though he promised to give me, as he put it in medical terms: really awesome drugs. So I won't care. The idea still sounds horribly unpleasant though.

I have no idea when these tests will be coming my way, scheduling at the hospital was already closed by the time I was done being seen by the doctor so they have to call and let me know. Then there was the ordered blood work described above. Which by the last million or so blogs is nothing new to me.

Afterward I went out to dinner. Went to this little Italian place with my mother and had some kickass food. Naturally the serving sizes are humongous so I needed to put my left overs in a box. I wanted to take my dressing with me but for some reason had no lid, so my mother decides she will wipe off her lid to put on mine and we'll be all set. So she sets to that chore, meticulously, finishes and I go to put my dressing into the bag only to realize there is no lid. She'd taken the time to thoroughly clean the lid from her dressing for mine, only to put it right back onto her dressing.

She's probably reading this from her iPhone going, "You little shit, you did put this on the internet!" Because I had threatened to yesterday. All for the lols, Mom, all for the lols. <3

When I got home I did not pass go and collect $200 dollars. I went straight to jail. Only by jail I mean I passed the heck out on my sofa. Loss of blood and lack of sleep the day prior likely the culprit. I feel refreshed now!

I'm in the mood, are you ready? I'm in the mood.
Art. Today. Be ready.

Nom Test: August 17th
Scope Test: September 10th.

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