Monday, August 29, 2011

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Have you ever been such good friends with someone that you find yourselves knowingly finishing one another's sentences; since you can accurately predict what it was they were going to say and it's all very surreal and reassuring because it makes you feel loved and understood? This is actually nothing like that.

Google has recently decided to start guessing what I'm going to search for. Its guesses are based on no clear pattern I can identify. It certainly is not using previous search inquiries or things I like, such as octopodes or tulips or robots. With every letter I input it just randomly starts adding letters of its own. Sometimes even whole sentence fragments. Like a terrible game of charades or hang-man or some other game based completely on guessing at random (Wheel of Fortune, I'm looking at you).

This makes even the simplest of searches unnecessarily complicated as I spazz out in a desperate attempt to backspace so that my completely innocent intent to look up, "manatees bumping into things," (you're welcome) doesn't spiral out of control into a search for, "man eats himself one bite at a time." Or something equally unrelated and probably bad.

I know there are settings I can go into to turn this feature off, but here's the problem: it never stays off. It turns itself back on out of the blue all of the time. Not simply if I restart or close the tab or crash my browser. No. All the time. I can turn it off as I'm searching and it will turn back on as soon as I begin to type again. Just to %#@& with me.

This is what happened to me earlier today when Aaron asked me if I would mind if he turned my corpse into a diamond if I died first (the answer was no, I don't mind). Then out of curiosity I wanted to find out how big of a diamond a human body could make. Bigger than a breadbox? I don't god damned know because Google hijacked my search and I looked up this instead:
What the hell?
How many women die in childbirth carbon? That doesn't even make sense! What makes even less sense is that two of the returned results are purple, suggesting that I have been to them before. Apparently on the 31st of last month. But I haven't. I'm not even sure how one would come up with the idea of looking up, "how many women die in childbirth carbon" all on their own, had Google not forced it upon them. The only logical conclusion is that Google is an emergent A.I. and we aren't long for this world.

Furthermore, those statistics are kind of frightening. A woman dies in childbirth every minute? FFS, we can clone eachother and walk around on the moon, why are we still dying having babies?

P.S. I do not live in North Highlands, CA. I do not know why Google thinks I do.

P.P.S. Seems like the max size for a human-diamond is 1.5ct.

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