Friday, January 8, 2010

Crazy On A Plane

Captain's Log, 2010...

I will preface this with, "I don't mind flying." All in all, flying from point A to point B is convenient and usually uneventful. Like flying over Arizona was breath taking, or flying over Washington was exceedingly beautiful at dusk. The people in Colorado were so so nice and the security in California was hilarious. That said, it can also range from amusing to woeful. None of which spoiled my fun by any means, but I promised details, so here you have them!

Flight: Charlotte to Phoenix.

Case: Frat Boy
On my first class flight from Charlotte NC, to Phoenix AZ I was seated next to a frat boy. I guess to show off his class he kept downing glasses of champagne rather than beer or vodka tonics (both of which were available), then talking to me. I tried to sleep to avoid him but he kept waking me up. First for drinks, then for snacks, then for a meal, and again for cookies. While thoroughly entertained by his BMOC antics I was greatly relieved when I discovered through his overly talkative nature that he was not going to be on my connecting flight into L.A.

Case: Southern Pilot
The pilot on this flight was super Southern. Kept opening the cockpit to wander outside to flirt with the flight attendants and get coffee. I'd say he was up and walking about more than he was actually flying the damn plane. Which would have been really amusing and not concerning at all if not for...

Case: Crazy Crazy Guy
On this same flight there was a super crazy guy seated in coach. He started off worrying the people seated nearby him by openly sobbing before standing up and yelling incoherently at the plane. Finally he charged the cockpit. US Marshal? Not on our plane so it was up to the flight attendants to corner him in the back aisle and sedate him. Our plane was stuck in flight over Phoenix airport until this successfully happened.

Apparently you aren't allowed to land a plane with active crazy on board. You have to subdue the crazy first. Who'd have thought? At least the pilot stopped leaving the door open while he waltzed around the cabin for coffee. Unfortunately they also barred anyone else from standing up for the remainder of the flight when the crazy began. Which meant we were all confined to our seats with no restrooms for two and a half hours. I'm surprised more crazy didn't happen because of this.

Finally the flight attendants got him to take some pills or something and we were cleared to land. Several US marshals had congregated at our gate and rushed onto the plane to take away our crazy guy. I have no idea what happened to him after that. Interrogation I imagine. Though I am relieved no one was grievously injured, this fiasco almost caused...

Flight: Phoenix to Los Angeles

Case: Near Miss
Due to being stuck in the sky for an extra thirty minutes my seat was actually given away to standby passengers on my connecting flight to California. Meaning I would've been stranded in Arizona. Of all places -- a place where I know no one. Luckily I got there right as they were giving away the very very last seat on the plane and since I had a ticket, I got to snub all of the standbys competing for it and board my flight. I was literally 1 seat away from being stuck there.

Flight: Sacramento to Denver

Case: Hellspawn
All in all, I had gotten pretty lucky as far as the people sitting beside me on flights. This would make up for it. In comes daddy with child in hand. For some reason child is inserted to middle seat, between he and I rather than isle seat, beside just him. All I could think of was how well mannered my niece and nephews are and hope for the best.

No. This child was horribly mannered and knew nothing of discipline. He was standing in the seat, screaming, kicking the seat ahead of him, yelling at his dad, throwing things, at times he was in my lap, tugging on my sleeves, lounging on my arm, etc. At one point his father tried to make him put on his seat belt and be quiet and the kid hit him. You read that right. The three year old boy hit his father. Mind boggling part? The father just took it. Didn't even yell at him. The parent was being bullied by a fucking three year old. Seriously?

With as much as I have flown, I have never encountered a legitimately annoying kid on a plane. Sure people complain about babies crying on planes, but c'mon. It's a baby on a plane. They don't know what the hell is going on. This was different. I considered spiking his drink but spiked my own instead. Less legal ramifications that way.

Flight: Denver to Akron

Case: Delayed Delay of Delaying (+5 to delays)
Denver was snowy and cold. As to be expected of Colorado in January. Our flight was delayed due to the weather. Delayed again after we all boarded waiting in line to be de-iced. Then delayed a third time waiting in line to take-off. This totaled an added hour spent on the ground.

By the time we were cleared for take-off we had to be de-iced again...

What was I thinking?
All of this put my scheduled landing at 11:45pm into Akron on the 6th at 1:40am on the 7th. We were so delayed the Akron airport actually thought our flight had been canceled at one point so when we landed, a bunch of people had no rides home and were stuck there. Thankfully I wasn't one of those.

Case: Where In The World is Chris Hansen
There was a man and girl on the plane, which I thought was kind of sweet. Like a loving father had brought his daughter to Denver for the holidays or something nice. But no. It was a 45 year old man and his 15 year old girlfriend. It was amazingly the creepiest display of affection I've ever seen first hand.

Case: Frozen Throne
There was no heat on this plane. Had it been packed full of people, it would have been tolerable due to all of the combined body heat. However, it was not packed full of people. There were less than twenty people on the plane, including pilot, co-pilot and attendants. I shivered all the way to Ohio. I had never been so thankful for my scarf, though I could've used several more pairs of socks and a blanket.

Case: Drunken Molester
Because there were so few people on the plane, the attendants let everyone sit wherever they wanted. I chose a secluded spot at the front of the plane away from the sniffly masses. Naturally I was a little off-put when some middle aged dude decided of hundreds of open seats, to sit riiiiight beside mine. Even more off-put when I realized he stunk of booze. Somehow managed to be even further off-put when he decided to molest my arm, shoulder, or knee every time he spoke to me.

Thankfully Hobo McDrunkerson managed to pass out early on and I made an escape.

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