Tuesday, November 1, 2011

About Halloween

On Halloween we dressed up and passed out candy to Trick-or-Treaters. Which was a strange experience. Trick-or-treating is a lot different these days. Due to the paranoia parents have on behalf of their children in any adult's company other than their own, kids can go no where unchaperoned. Which is fine. I understand the world is a scary place and there are plenty of dangerous people in it.

What's not fine is the parent's laziness drastically impacting their children. Ultimately making them lazy too. You cannot forbid your children to leave the house without you and then refuse to leave the house because you'd rather sit around getting fatter.

Not too pick on obese people (that happens enough I'm sure), but most of the guilty parties last evening fit that category and I doubt it was by coincidence. Sure, some obese people have legitimate health problems but those from last evening just seem to be lazy sods. And before those of you with 'a little more to love' get your panties in a knot, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about actual fatty fat-fats who are fat solely because they're too lazy to get up and move any distance greater than from work to car and from car to sofa. There's nothing wrong with having a little more cushion for the pushin'. The issue I have isn't with heavy people, it's with lazy people. These folk just happened to be both.

If you've taken offense to this, you're probably furiously trying to justify your laziness right now. Don't bother. If you want to prove you aren't a lazy person, the best thing to do is to just stop behaving like a lazy person. Telling people you aren't lazy isn't going to do much to improve your image if you still insist on using a remote to find your remote to avoid having to get up and search.

Despite all of the children outside we still have this much candy left over:

Oh well, all mine!
Why? Because a bunch of rotund mothers chaperoning their children would just stand in the middle of the courtyard breathing heavily while their children fruitlessly went door-to-door downstairs pleading for candy from people who weren't even participating. To make it worse, when kids noticed the signs upstairs, their parents would call them back before they could get halfway up the steps on their own. Because going all the way up would put them out of view.
Not pregnant. Just fat.
You know how to solve that problem? Use your ham-feet to move your ass closer. This is why the ratio of thin people to fat people has been in steady decline since the 90's. Your laziness should never impact your child's activity level. Once you cross that line, you've gone too far. Congratulations, now your kids are fat too.

"Wait, you guys spent Halloween passing out candy to children?" Why yes, yes we did!

You're right though, typically this time of year we wind up at a costume party out of town. However due to an over-abundance of adult responsibilities and Halloween being on a Monday, we just had a get-together with friends right here at home on Saturday. The idea was to drink and watch really bad horror movies that we could all make fun of, but we wound up skipping the horror movies altogether and watching youtube videos of Swedish men preparing food instead. Which, incidentally, is exactly what happens when Aaron has class and I'm left to cook for myself.

This got me thinking though. Not the youtube videos, but our get together. Halloween as an adult is pretty much exactly like Halloween as a child, only it's no longer acceptable for you to go door-to-door begging for food. Otherwise you celebrate the day in basically the same two ways.

As a child you either: attend a costume party or watch scary movies at a slumber party.
As an adult you either: attend a costume party or have a horror movie marathon where you will likely end up staying the night due to inebriation. So it may as well be a slumber party.

I find this concept of sameness kind of amazing because I can't really think of any other holiday where you celebrate the same way regardless of age. Except, perhaps, Thanksgiving but that doesn't count. All you do is stuff your face on Thanksgiving and most kids actually loathe the day as, "That stupid holiday that gets in the way before Christmas." Or Hanukkah, depending.

1 comment:

  1. I have to say I get more than a little annoyed when- in my tiny super safe neighborhood- some parent insists on DRIVING along the street at a crawl while their kids trick or treat. Thus making it dangerous for all the kids walking in the streets with or without parents. If you want to chaperone, get out and walk. Lazy bums!