Monday, February 1, 2016

In Which I Rant About Men

There is this thing that dudes do during an argument, where they ignore what you are explicitly telling them and then try to make out what you’re actually mad about and it’s the most ridiculous and infuriating thing ever. Then, regardless of how many times you try to explain to them exactly what you’re upset about, they’ll just cling to this one imaginary thing they’ve made up and act like you’re being unreasonable.

Obligatory disclaimer, because this is the internet: I’m sure chicks have done something similar, but in my experience the people employing this tactic are overwhelmingly men. Not all men, but a fucking lot of men. We’re talking about them. I legitimately don’t care about your shitty aunt Helen. Also, names withheld to protect... well clearly not the innocent. But, y'know.

In example: My friend’s husband, who is normally a hard working reasonable adult human, came home stumbling-drunk. That is so drunk he could barely walk upright without falling over. He didn’t just come home, though. He did not follow the established protocol of call a friend or a cab -- he drove home that way. Endangering his life and the lives of others. No one in their right mind would argue that this is not something to be angry about.

Then, to make matters worse, he was so drunk that he walked into the wrong room (read: any room other than the bathroom) and pissed on the carpet. So there she is, cleaning up a grown man’s urine in a room where there should never even be urine, and he’s mad at her. At this point I’m glad I live across the country now or you’d probably see me on a gd episode of Snapped.

Did I mention they have a kid and that these shenanigans woke the child up before dawn? Because yeah, that also happened. Imagine trying to explain to your small child why their father keeps falling over and shouting at an hour when most people are asleep. Imagine trying to explain why mommy is so upset about it -- without making him seem like an unforgivable monster. Because children of that age, much like Sith lords, think in absolutes.

Okay, so here we are with three completely reasonable, understandable things to be absolutely furious with another human being over and you know what he says when he finally wakes up sober and she goes to talk to him about it? You know what he says when she lays it all out, in case he’d drunkenly forgotten what went on? “Well if you don’t want me to hang out with my best friend just say so. Don’t make up excuses. Say what you mean.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

So what he took out of A) driving drunk, B) pissing in a room that is not a bathroom, and C) waking their child being fall-down-drunk is that he cannot hang out with his best friend? Like, I’m sorry, you’ve been friends with this guy the entirety of your relationship and this is the first time this has ever happened. So clearly, the problem isn’t your best friend. You are the problem. Your choices and what you did are the problem.

He’s trying to deflect the issue and make her the guilty party and it’s just like, holy shit are you serious? Have you lost your damned mind there’s no way, bro.

I’m so proud of my friend for recognizing that bullshit and shutting it down. It doesn’t matter if it’s once or daily, if the behavior is unacceptable it is unacceptable even the first and only time it happens. Make it known. Don’t let it slide because it’s a first offense.

He’s since made amends and promised it’ll never happen again, he’s apologized for all the actual shit he did wrong. You know what he hasn’t apologized for though? Trying to deflect the issue and make her the guilty party. As if that wasn’t wrong too. No, man. Heart to heart time: that shit’s wrong, you manipulative turd. Fucking apologize.

In another example: Once my ex was flirting with chicks on the internet instead of making dinner (I was on bed rest) and so I confronted him about the fact that I only had an hour window after taking my medication in which to eat and he’d already wasted thirty-five minutes of it trying to convince a girl in an MMO to show him her tits and you know what he said?

“You’re just jealous. Like every other girl. Just like my ex.”

Bitch, what? I haven’t cared the previous 100x, I don’t care now. This relationship is already over. My dude, we’re roommates. You could move her in and fuck her in the room with me there and I’d not give any shits. Just make me some soup first. I’m not jealous I’m fucking hungry. Google titties like a normal person. Fuck.

You’re not going to convince me I’m being unreasonable when it’s your one fucking responsibility in life other than wiping your own ass, I did literally everything else in that house. Guys need to gtfo with that shit. If someone is telling you why they are mad, you don’t need to go digging to try to decipher what they’re mad about. They just fucking told your ass. It’s not a mystery, Scoob.

1 comment:

  1. Good on your friend for seeing it for what it was. I have a friend who's a guy and he told me that sometimes guys deflect like that because they feel guilty but in many cases it's like an involuntary response. Not shifting blame or making excuses AT ALL. But when I, er, my friend was made aware of this particular feature it was much easier to catch. Since my friend has both made plenty of mistakes, as well as been in relationships with people who were excessively critical.

    Favorite line: "Bitch, what?"
    Least favorite line: "You're just jealous. Like every other girl. Just like my ex."