What is Being Autistic Like?

Recently someone asked what being Autistic is like. It is different for everyone, so please bear that in mind. My experience will not be everyone’s experience. Also, I swear a lot as a coping mechanism, so I apologize for that ahead of time.

For me it’s like… I wake up in the morning and everything is so bright that the sun may as well be in the fucking room with me. Incandescent light sources are no better, each like its own tiny star shining right in my eyes.

Next are the colors, I’m actually lucky here, because I can’t see all of them. They are so, so vibrant. Beautiful, but they make it difficult to focus. What should I look at? I don’t know, it’s like a god damned Van Gogh painting all the time.

Next are the sounds. I’m actually somewhat shielded from these now, having lost most of my hearing in 2007. That said, it used to be like waking up in the subway. The TV, people talking at you, dogs barking, and so forth were like listening to music through headphones but the only volume setting is MAX.

My clothes, plush baby fleece and soft vintage cotton, feel like sand against my skin. Each time I move it’s like that awful feeling when a cat licks you with it’s tiny barbed tongue. The pressure of my blanket, which I ironically cannot sleep without, feels like the weight of a whole other person laid on top of me. Many people also have sensitivities to taste and smell. I am not one of them.

It’s so easy to become overwhelmed if you aren’t really, really careful.

My perception of time is awful. It makes food preparation a nightmare. I have to set timers for everything or it gets burnt or forgotten about. One minute? May as well be an hour. I won’t know the difference. I wear a watch and am surrounded by clocks but Dyscalculia means I can never trust I noted the time correctly. Autism does not immediately mean you’re a math/number prodigy, which seems to be the biggest misconception out there.

Next, do I have something to do today that requires I follow instructions? Following directions intended for people who think and process everything differently than you do can be challenging. There are multiple ways to interpret most instructions, multiple solutions to every problem. I may take longer to reach the same conclusion simply because I took the long route to it rather than the most direct, because the more complicated way of doing it was more interesting to me. A lot of NT people get hung up on the how, rather than the fact that the ideal result was reached.
When setting out to complete a task I must always ask myself: Do I have the time to complete this thing in a single sitting? Being unable to finish something  is one of my biggest meltdown/shutdown triggers and to avoid that, I’d rather just put that thing off than risk be interrupted doing it. So some days I don’t get much accomplished.

Do I have to work with others? Are people demanding of my time or attention? This is difficult to deal with persistently. I need to maintain a lot of personal discipline and outside influences take away from that. Imagine that you are studying for a very important exam and there is someone in the room talking about the weather while you’re trying to read. This is what everyday conversations can be like for me.

This is a primary reason I’m so fond of text-based communication. I can partake when I’m capable of it. It comes off as really cavalier and robotic, but it’s just a way to deal with being overwhelmed from the moment I wake up in the morning by literally every.little.fucking.thing.

To cope with all of the above, I may at random intervals sway, vocalize, or lose myself to a task that seems trivial to the outside observer (listening to a song on repeat, scrolling tumblr, stringing beads, etc.) and not want to do anything else. My disinterest in outside tasks isn’t because I don’t want to partake but because I recognize I’m about to reach BS critical mass and need to take a fucking step back before I’m really miserable.

There are a few things that I am hyper-interested in. These are commonly referred to as special interests. You probably assume you have these too, maybe you like BSG a whole, whole lot. I promise you though, that you do not like it as much as an Autistic with a BSG special interest does. It’s not the same. I could talk to you about my special interests for literal days without pause, whether you seemed interested or not because I’m so intrigued by it I won’t notice that you aren’t. Even if you tell me as much, I might continue talking about it anyway because it’s hard to fucking stop. Have you heard about this thing? IT’S SO DAMNED COOL. You don’t like it? Well, here are 99 reasons that you should. Cited with sources.

A lot of this probably sounds negative, but it really isn’t. I’m used to it, I’ve been living this way all my entire life and so long as an outsider doesn’t give me shit, I can lead a perfectly happy day-to-day life because I know my boundaries. Any bad experience I’ve had in regards to being Autistic has been because some other person couldn’t grasp that Autism effects more than 6 year old white boys who love trains and math.

R.I.P. Leonard Nimoy

When I was a child, Autism wasn't very common. Before my diagnosis no one in my family had ever even heard the term. I was the only child like me that I knew. Worse than that, I was the only person like me that I knew of. Despite how famously my mother handled the situation, it was very lonely and despite living in a big city I felt extremely isolated.

My entire family was "normal." All of my friends and class mates were normal. Everyone I read about in books or saw on TV  was, more or less, normal. So you can imagine the relief, and my delight, when I saw my first episode of Star Trek as a little girl and realized there was a character who struggled very much in the same ways I did, a character who behaved much in the same ways I did. A successful character, not only accepted by his crew mates but cared for.

Spock was a game changer for me. The lone voice, from a stranger, saying it'd be okay.

At last: a person that I could relate to on a personal level. Something I'd never experienced before. What a reassurance to a young, isolated girl. You can't even imagine. He gave me hope I otherwise probably wouldn't have had. That made a huge difference in my life. For the first time I considered the possibility that people outside of my family could accept me.

I wanted to be an astronaut, to leave the planet and see if there were other people like me out there amongst the stars.

Of course I didn't need to leave the planet to find others like me. They existed right here on Earth. I just didn't know that yet. As the 80's gave way to the 90's Autism diagnoses were on the rise and I was meeting more and more people like myself. More therapies became available to help me cope with my condition. A lot of them focused on making me fit in with my peers, but I never felt pressured to do so because of Spock. Spock never had to conform. He was who he was unapologetically and people accepted him, eventually, regardless of how strange they found him at first. So I didn't conform and it was the best decision I could've made.

I am an undoubtedly happier, healithier person for not having to pretend all the time to be someone I'm not. I would not have considered this a possibility, with all the professional opinions back then, without Star Trek -- without Spock in particular. It was a show with an overarching message of equality and acceptance. Sure there were also lasers, fist fights, and space ships but ultimately those elements took a backseat to ground breaking television (for its time). I know I'm not the only person inspired by the show, or Leonard Nimoy's depiction of Spock, it's inspired countless people of all ages and backgrounds I'm sure.

But I felt compelled this morning to put into words how profoundly this actor and his work had truly made an impact in my life. I felt compelled to explain why the death of Leonard Nimoy, honorary grandfather to many, is felt so personally: because he was a great actor but an even greater person.

When a celebrity touches your life in any significant way their loss is felt regardless of whether or not you ever met. It's okay to feel sad about the death of a person you never truly knew. However he lead a long, full life and he died comfortably, at home, with those who did know him by his side -- can't ask for a much happier ending than that.

Anyway, I'm not certain how coherently this is written, I've been trying to get the words just right since 11:00AM and it's now 8:49PM so I'll just leave you with this quote and offer my condolences to Mr. Nimoy's family, friends, co-workers, and honorary grandchildren everywhere.

"Loss of life is to be mourned, but only if the life was wasted." -Spock

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

Where did you begin 2014?

At home!

What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Taken.

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
No.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
No.

Did you have any encounters with the police?

Yes.

Where did you go on vacation?
Los Angeles, sorta.

What did you purchase that was over $500?
Neelix's health (vet bills).

Did you know anybody who got married?
I don't believe so.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
Jim. Daphne.

Did you move anywhere?
No.

What sporting events did you attend?
None.

What concerts/shows did you go to?
Saw Doug play at the Red Lion.

Where do you live now?
California.

What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2014?
Eat chicken livers? I mean, I suppose that.

What has/have been your favorite moment(s)?
Eileen moving to Sacramento.
Play dates at the Play Place.
Jude's 2nd Birthday.
Thanksgiving at Josh's.
Jude learning his ABC's.
Building Lego with Aaron.

What's something you learned about yourself?
Sometimes the least expected is what happens.

Any new additions to your family?
No.

What was your best month?
December.

What music will you remember 2014 by?
Anything, Hedley.

Made new friends?
Not this year.

Favorite Night[s] out?
The night we went to The Americana and caught the water show.

Any regrets?
Never.

What do you want to accomplish in 2015?
Get this baby talking!

What would you change about 2014?
Eh.

Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Los Angeles.

Have any life changes in 2014?
A couple deaths in the family. :(

Change your hairstyle?
Does longer count?

Get a new job?
 Still Pro Mom.

Do you have a New Year's resolution?
Something realistic, like 'get out more.'

Did anything embarrassing?
Constantly.

What was/were your favorite purchase[s]?
My Star Trek ring.
Jude's flip-board.
Comic Books.
Fleece pants.
Imaginext for Jude.

Get married or divorced?
No.

Did you get sick this year?
As ever.

Start a new hobby?
Does narrating my life through song count?

Are you happy to see 2014 go?
It's been a year.

Drank Starbucks in 2014?
Yes.

What are you wishing for in 2015?
Seeing my family would be great.

Double Autism

It was time for the MMR booster, anti-vaxx was just taking off, another parent aware of my condition asks my mother if she'll risk it.

There are a hundred appropriate responses to this my mother could have chosen. Should she explain that vaccines don't cause Autism? That the person responsible for this 'study' has already lost his medical license? Should just slap them? Should she remind them that Autism is a fate indefinitely better than death, particularly death from Measles? My mom turns to them and says, somehow with a straight face, "What's it gonna do, give her Double Autism?"

Of all the ways my mother could have responded, this is probably my favorite. The other parent had no idea how to react other than to take a good hard look at what they had just asked. Because really.

I'm not an RPG character.

The other night Aaron was having trouble falling asleep so he started listening to music on his phone.

Earlier I had been playing Bravely Default. When it was time for bed, rather than turn off the 3DS I had just put it in sleep mode (to collect SPs).

Barely able to hear the music, but able to tell that is what was happening, I was jolted back to consciousness because I thought the DS had turned back on and was blaring RPG music in the middle of the night and I was ruining everything. So I start rolling and flopping around trying to solve the problem and Aaron is just like, "...?"

I mumble, "Is there music???"
"Yes."
I flail around ineffectually some more before realizing the 3DS is still in sleep mode.
He says, "Sorry, I didn't realize it was that loud."
At which point he turns it down and I, relieved it wasn't my fault, apparently declare, "I'm not an RPG character."

Which I guess meant to imply that I don't have background music? So none of this was my fault? I don't know precisely because I don't even remember saying it.

Bravely Default

For Christmas, Aaron got me Bravely Default, which is great because I've been wanting to play it since it came out. So far it's been enjoyable. The art is reminiscent of Tactics, which I adored. The music, while not up to the immersion standard found in the Final Fantasy title (yet) is still wonderful, granted this is not a Final Fantasy title. The story has been fabulous, yet very Final Fantasy-esque (harmonious crystals and impending darkness, etc.) which seems a little strange given how mindful they were to set the titles apart. Not that it's a bad thing.

I won't go into too much detail pertaining to the story because A: spoilers, and B: I'm stilling playing it. While it has many Final Fantasy elements despite not part of the franchise, it also has a lot of JRPG elements similar to Tales games and Silver Star Story which isn't a bad thing. It may take you by surprise though. There is also a story-related mini-game that has a lot of potential.

What's really unique about the game is the combat system. It's based on a job system a la original Final Fantasy, Tactics, FFXIV, and so on. You obtain new jobs by defeating bosses and gaining their job Asterisk. Each job has its own unique skills, attributes, and costumes. During combat you have all the basic options: attack, magic, items, skills, escape, etc., but you can also either Brave or Default. This is where things get creative.

You can Brave to get more turns at once or you can Default to defend (taking less damage) and then Brave later without going into the negative. If you Brave without Defaulting, you have to wait however many turns you Braved for afterward. So depending on what/who you are fighting you may want to incur the wait penalty and Brave right away or you may want to Default to avoid a big incoming attack and then Brave later. Really depends on preference and situation!

If you put the 3DS into sleep mode with the game running rather than turning it off, you can also gain 1 SP every 8 hours this way for a maximum of 3. You can expend SP to immediately have your turn in combat. Whenever you want. This has the potential to be game changing if used correctly, it is, however, not necessary at all. So if you'd rather just turn your 3DS off, you won't feel entitled to leave it on.

The game makes use of the internet in fun ways. You can call upon friends for help during battles, you can fight people you've passed on the street gaining Nemesis, you can borrow friends' skills, you can gain villagers. Entirely optional, of course. The game seems to have a lot of neat, optional content. Which is also nice. You can partake, or not, and it's totally fine either way.

I have to say though that, as per usual, Square's English voice cast is... bad. However that is easily remedied by going into the settings and either turning the voices volume all the way down or setting it to Japanese with English subtitles just so that not everyone sounds like a emotionless 8 year old boy who had been raised by robots except for the women who sound like sexy 5 year old girls (???) who were otherwise also raised by robots.

You'll want to mess with these settings regardless because by default all the volumes are set to 8, which means they are all competing for your attention. All the time. It's not really problematic until there is a cutscene and you can barely make out what anyone is saying. I found turning the music to 5 and leaving the voices at 8 was a workable solution. Except then I could tell just how horrible the English voice acting was and had to go back in to make the previously mentioned changes.

Penguin Bombs

Aaron surprised me after Christmas Eve dinner with a finely wrapped box of Lego. We built them together after feasting on Chinese food as per Jewish tradition. Look at my little bomber penguins. They are the coolest. Look at them!

I have no idea what is going on with my formatting right now but I'm too excited to go to sleep so that I can wake up and open gifts with the family tomorrow. So... Enjoy none pizza left beef?None blog left pictures? idk.

Happy Holidays!