Accidental Social Experiment: Reactions to Domestic Abuse

It's well established around here that I am a gamer and sometimes my blogs have to do with people I know primarily through the internet as part of a group of people working together toward similar goals in a video game, aka: a guild. Normally these are stand-up people.

In fact I have encountered worse behavior offline more frequently than I've encountered it online and I think that's a testimony to the quality of friendships you can form long distance. Money, appearance, and social standing have little affect on these sorts of friendships, which makes the internet a fabulous place to make new friends.

You may find yourself at this point wondering, "What the hell does this have to do with domestic abuse?" I'll get to that in a minute. I just wanted to preface this entry with the fact that by-and-large I believe the Internet to be a positive influence in the lives of those who use it responsibly and though it can certainly also be a negative experience from time-to-time that that is not the norm.

I also feel obliged to state that I'm not even wholly sure into which class this example ultimately falls as while I have never met the offender 'in real life' she dated an offline friend and so they have known her in real life -- though he too had met her online first.

This woman is a piece of work. My opinion of her has never been high (she mistreated several other people I know before I even met her) but I've been nothing but pleasant regardless because people change (usually for the better, not the worse). Other than the fact that she compulsively lures men into relationships under false pretenses then breaks up with them once she has gotten what she wants (sex, money, validation, kicks, whatever); she vindictively lies for other reasons too, ones that have effected me in surprisingly unexpected ways.

Most recently (most recently being the launch of Guild Wars 2, so this is a somewhat old story) she co-founded a guild with my fiance and several of our real life friends. She decided, for whatever reason, that she wanted to rid the guild of my fiance. Rather than asking him to go, which is the real kicker: had she at any point simply asked him he would have voluntarily stepped down -- she felt the need to first remove any obstacles that would object to ousting him. It was easy enough. We're busy hardworking adults, when it was politely suggested that we step down due to our considerable time constraints, we did. She approached us as if she were doing us a favor and her request wasn't entirely self-serving (it was). With us out of the way she could have just kicked him out no problem, but no, this is not what she did either.

Instead she went around to the remaining officers who didn't know him offline trying to ruin his reputation; at first sharing information that was told to her years ago in confidence and when that did not illicit the negative reaction she had hoped (because why would it?), she resorted to lies. Not harmless lies such as, "He stole loot," or something concerning the video game we were all playing but lies about real life. To be brief, she told people he was abusing me. Which is completely untrue, let me make that abundantly clear. While I was no longer in a position of power I was still part of the guild at this time and you know what shocked me most?

Not the way in which people regarded my fiance thereafter, because they treated him the same as they always had -- but the way in which they treated me.

No one acted upset with my fiance for allegedly abusing me. I however became suspect of all manner of evil. I was accused of all sorts of things from power mongering (do power-mad tyrants typically voluntarily step down?) to being a puppet of my fiance (what even?)  and rather than offer any support at all to what they believed was an abused woman they shut me down. Never have I been so completely disregarded than when, for a month, a handful of people thought I was in an abusive relationship.

Just... my fucking god. Disgusting. I'm judging you people harshly. I hope when you walk through your living rooms you stub your baby toes on the coffee table. I hope when you microwave burritos that they are hot on the outside but cold on the inside. I hope someone spoils every TV show, movie, and future book you want to see/read. I hope your dogs forever smell like wet dog. I hope every time you open mail that you get paper cuts. I hope you bite your lips every time you eat spicy food. I hope they discontinue your favorite series, cologne, lipstick, whatever worldly pleasure you love most. Just, wow. You people. Wow.

Had it been true, here you have someone who you believe is in dire need of help, someone you just a week ago liked  or had a neutral opinion of, and rather than help her you cast her aside to fend for herself because??? Do you believe by remaining in the relationship she deserves it? Most domestic violence fatalities happen AFTER the woman has successfully ended the abusive relationship. So really, why would you blame a woman for staying out of fear of dying? What the hell is going on in your mind where the victim is ever at fault? What is your damage?! Why would your initial reaction ever be anything other than "is there anything I can do to help you?"

Never have I been so disappointed in a group of human beings.

Listen to Your Elders

The advice to listen to your elders is always sage. People that are older than you have a lot of world experience you do not yet possess simply for having been in the world longer than you. I know as a youth you are wanting to rebel against the establishment and your parents especially because "older doesn't mean smarter!!!" But coming from someone who has been there and remembers it vividly trust me when I tell you that you are both right and woefully wrong about that. Age does not automatically equate to book smarts. You can be middle aged and dumb as a mud fence, but at the same time astoundingly more wise in other areas. Like street smarts, or life smarts.

An older person has the experience to tell them life gets better after high school. That you should not worry so much about fitting in or doing the popular thing. That being able to have one skill you're better at than most of your peers is better than being good at everything but fantastic at nothing. That you should, in fact, always wear sunscreen. That you should separate your colors and your whites -- and that the washer has settings other than Permanent Press. That you can live a long time off of pizza and soda, but you really shouldn't. That if your friends are good to you you should never set them aside, especially not for dates or 'more popular' friends. That if you have a friend that makes you feel inferior for being yourself, they're no friend at all and you'd be better off alone than with them. That if it seems too good to be true, you should approach it with a healthy amount of skepticism. That being on time is important, but if you truly must be late it's okay, don't freak out. That almost anything you dislike about yourself you are free to change, whenever you want but it'll probably take hard work. Amongst many other insights that are difficult to see in the throes of youth before you've actually been there/done that.

So when someone says you should listen to your elders, they don't mean you should obey your elders just for being older (which is what most young people hear when told that), but that you should genuinely listen to them when they are offering advice, because chances are even if they are giving you what seems like bad advice -- it's advice from actual experience, which is more than you have. So you should consider it, even if just briefly. I don't mean harmful advice from, say, a racist uncle or a homophobic cousin or anything like that, but actual advice from someone who means well.

That said, whenever I am given this advice: to listen to my elder's, I immediately recall a situation from when I was a teenager, trying to take this selfsame advice:

When I was about sixteen I was sitting in my friend's kitchen with his grandparents, waiting for him to get home. At some point his grandfather got up and left the table. His wife turns to me, this ancient woman I've always looked up to, and tells me she has the best advice I'll ever receive. I'm thinking to myself, "Whoa, she's about to reveal the secrets of the universe to me." Totally in awe of this magnificent older woman and you know what she said to me then?

"Yogurt has all sorts of uses." She then gestures with the swan-like grace of a matriarch and says, "If you're ever not right in your womanly areas, just dab some down there. When you're through you can eat the rest. It's great for the bones too."

I was just... I had no words. It was not at all the advice I was expecting from this wizened old woman. It was sound advice, but it was just so out of left field I had to struggle not to crack up right then and there at the table with her. I mean, here I thought she was going to bestow upon me the meaning of life, and instead she's just randomly like, "Here's how you cure a yeast infection."

It remains, to this day, one of my absolute favorite conversations.

See You Around, Jim

"Even the gorgeous royal chariots wear out; and indeed this body too wears out. But the teaching of goodness does not age; and so Goodness makes that known to the good ones."

See you around, Jim.

House Guests and Belly Dancing

This week our friend Lauren came to stay with us from Florida. It was the first time we got to hang out together face-to-face. We introduced her to real ramen, homemade macaroni and cheese, pho, antique hunting, the wonderment of the State Fair, Magic: The Gathering, The Fifth Element, Moroccan dining, Arkham Horror, good wine, and Denny's. Amongst other things. Merriment was had by all. There are photographs, but for some reason I cannot find any of them right now.

Ideal Wedding

Someone asked me recently what my ideal wedding was and I had to actually stop and think, because I wasn't sure. I know what the dream wedding is supposed to be, but I don't I want that. So I started to really think about it and it got me to looking back on what my ideal wedding was at various points in time, which was pretty funny and kind of embarrassing.

Age 5
I will be on a pony and the pony will match my dress (which I guess means it'll be a white pony). My dress will be a giant upside-down cala lily, but also pearls (whatever that means). All of the girls in attendance will be dressed as ballerinas and do ballet (when they aren't sitting) and all of the boys will be dressed like knights. A T-rex will officiate the wedding and my mom will hold the book and turn the pages in it for him (because T-rex has tiny arms). We'll get married at Rainbow Brite's house.

Age 8
We'll probably all be wearing space suits because my wedding takes place on Mars. Because surely by the time I'm an adult we'll have sent people to Mars. Captain Picard will officiate (not Patrick Stewart, but Jean Luc Picard). I'll be marrying Dominic, my best friend from a city we lived in two years ago but haven't seen since. My wedding ring will have a sparrow on it because an pigeon would be too big (okay?). As I walk down the aisle they'll play Hail to the Chief rather than Here Comes the Bride (because I don't know the difference).

Age 10
My wedding will take place at a castle. It will be such a fairy tale wedding that actual fairies will show up. I'll be getting married to Meatloaf. He will write a rock opera about it. My dog will give me away. My grandpa will officiate. My dress will "be like Cindarella's but prettier." My brother isn't allowed to attend. Afterward we will move into the castle as king and queen (I don't think I understood how royalty works).

Age 13
I'll marry an smart musician alongside my best friend who will marry a handsome doctor. She'll wear gold and red and I'll wear silver and blue, and the wedding will be held in a forest. Her dad will walk her down the aisle and my grandpa will walk me down the aisle. My ring will be silver with have a crescent moon on it and her ring will be gold with a sun on it. Afterwards we'll both move to New York with our husbands and join Broadway. I guess it's good that one of us will be marrying a doctor, then.

Age 15
I plan to elope with some unforeseeable future mystery man who likes all the same things I do. My teenage brain is even less great at planning than my child brain because I have absolutely no specifics in mind other than the fact that we're going to run away together. I don't think I understood that after eloping, people usually came back.

Age 18
In the rare chance I decide to get married, it'll be an autumn wedding, so decorations will be minimal as not to distract from those provided by nature. We'll use my grandmother's wedding ring.

Age 20
Whatever my grandfather will pay for. I don't want anything too big or fancy, but my family may want that experience. So if they do, they can by all means have at it. It's my day, but I'm the only person in my biological family under the age of 40 (aside from my brother who eloped), so... there's a little pressure. My dress will be corseted and have dag sleeves; white, embroidered with a few garnets on the trim; probably custom tailored. An outdoor wedding when the weather is cool would be preferred.

Now
Basically still 20. I'd like it small though, if I can get away with it. Just our parents, my grandfather, a few close friends. I'd rather spend the money on something lasting, like a house, than a single day of celebration, tbh.

What I Was Doing In School (Hint: Not Schoolwork)

A childhood friend just sent me this photo of a picture and story I drew/wrote for her when we were children. Presented otherwise without commentary.

Autism and Emotions

Disclaimer: I use a lot of 'old timey' terms because when I was diagnosed and raised these were the words used. I understand now it's just a Spectrum and you fall somewhere on it like the colors in a rainbow and it's all very lovely.

There is a common misunderstanding that since most Autistic people aren't very good with displaying emotions (without appropriate therapy) that they don't experience as many or experience them as much. That, because they don't smile or scowl as frequently as other people might, that they aren't as frequently happy or angry. Truth is, for most Autistic people the opposite is true. They experience emotion on a level above that of the normal person. Think of the way other animals experience smell or hearing superior to man's -- they're the same exact senses, just more intense.

Theses are the same exact emotions, just more intense.

Sometimes emotions are so intense it's like being in a dark room and then someone turns on a really bright light. Have you ever wondered why something as simple as interrupting an Autistic person's schedule can cause such palpable distress or frustration? It's not that something so minor is such a big deal. They may even know it's not. It's that the distress they feel and perceive, is felt more. So if you have an ounce of fear, they have a whole cup. You just may not be able to see it as readily on their faces or through their actions. How to portray an emotion is, after all, an acquired skill for many HFA people. And let's not forget, if you've been trained to show it you also know how not to show it... so sometimes though it might seem the Autistic person can carry on despite how they are actually feeling, deep down they are feeling it just the same.

We've become experts at compartmentalizing.

This is probably the key to my mastery of my own emotions (secret's out). If we are desperately sad but have a deadline to meet, we'll meet it regardless. We'll package up that sorrow for later and continue on even though deep down we're already weeping. This is a thing that happens everyday for Autistic people. Perhaps it's joy instead of sadness, or anger rather than either, but we'll do our best to get through the day without letting it impact what needs to be done. This is why sometimes you may think an emotional outburst is random or out of the blue -- it's not, it's just been delayed. Hours, days, perhaps weeks, but there is a direct cause.

This has been difficult for me lately.

A combination of hormones and stress have added up so that recently my compartments have gotten a little full. I've been trying slowly but steadily to unload them but it doesn't always go so well when people don't expect you, the Vulcan master of all people, to become an emotional wreck right before their very eyes. Or when, by their perception, they don't understand how or why it is even happening. It isn't something easy to explain. Trying to is cumbersome and clumsy under ideal circumstances, and if in attempting to do so you're bombarded with yet more emotions... a meltdown is inevitable as then not only are you overwhelmed but whomever you're confessing to is undoubtedly irritated. Sometimes our only response is to shut down completely, because it's really way too much to cope with at the time.

It's like trying to add more water to a glass that's already full, with a power hose.

If I have been distant lately, this is why. If I have come to you with a complaint you hadn't expected, this is why. Believe me when I say, it's probably not particularly anything you did or didn't do and I really don't want you to fix anything. I like you just the way you are or I wouldn't have you in my life. Understand I just need to unload every now and again. So if I say something like, "I didn't like the way you ended our last email correspondence," don't feel obligated to explain why you ended it how you did, or even offer to make sure to end it better next time, or get mad because you thought you had ended it just fine. I don't want or expect any of that, I just thought, you know, you should know.

That's all.

I'm not making excuses if I've been curt or anything. I'm just explaining why that may have happened because it is a legitimate problem and I am not a perfect being.