Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

Haven't done this in a while!

Where did you begin 2012?
At Will and Ari's house.

What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Happily taken.

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Yes.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
Many times for my NSTs and having a baby.

Did you have any encounters with the police?

No.

Where did you go on vacation?
Los Angeles.

What did you purchase that was over $500?
A new laptop, though technically Aaron purchased it, so.

Did you know anybody who got married?
No. Strangely.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
Booka. <3

Did you move anywhere? 
No.

What sporting events did you attend?
None.

What concerts/shows did you go to?
I haven't been to a concert since like 2001.

Where do you live now?
California.

What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2012?
Have a baby! I didn't think I'd never have one, but I did not expect to have one in 2012.

What has/have been your favorite moment(s)?
Bringing Jude into the world.
Date night with Aaron.

What's something you learned about yourself?
I'm a fucking super hero.

Any new additions to your family?
Jude!

What was your best month?
April was pretty great.

What music will you remember 2012 by?
 The opening theme to Law and Order.

Made new friends?
Crystal and Nick.

Favorite Night[s] out?
Date night: sushi and a movie.

Any regrets?
Never.

What do you want to accomplish in 2013?
More art.
Shape Jude into a human being.

What would you change about 2012?
Knowing I was pregnant sooner would have been fun.

Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Los Angeles. Lion's Arch?

Have any life changes in 2012?
Where once we were a couple, now we are a family.

Change your hairstyle?
No.

Get a new job?
No.

Do you have a New Year's resolution?
Complete more art.

Did anything embarrassing?
Undoubtedly.

Buy anything new from eBay?
No.

What was/were your favorite purchase[s]?
New laptop!
Uhm, Palmer's Coco Butter lipgloss.

Get married or divorced?
No.

Get arrested?
No.

Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
Nope.

Did you get sick this year?
Naturally.

Start a new hobby?
Nah, I have a ton of hobbies already.

Are you happy to see 2012 go?
I guess? This question is always weird.

Drank Starbucks in 2012?
A few times.

What are you wishing for in 2013?
A predictable schedule. Artistic inspiration.

What's On Your Face?

1.) Nude 2.) Base 3.) Shadow 4.) Finished

I get a lot of questions about what sort of make-up I wear and I always say, "I'll tell you guys later," but then never do. Not to keep it a secret or anything like that, but because I wind up blogging about something else entirely and simply forget. I've been wearing the same few things, when I'm wearing anything at all, for about as long as I can remember. It's a quick polished look that can be lightened or darkened depending on circumstance and is altogether cheap.

I have used top of the line cosmetics that will run you an entire paycheck and dirt cheap cosmetics you can find at any convenience store known to mankind. Honestly aside from a couple of things (longevity, color intensity -- both of which can be worked around) I've noticed no true difference. In fact, some of the cheaper brands have actually not only out-performed their expensive counterparts but also improved my skin.

For daytime wear I apply:

• Physician's Formula Mineral Wear Pressed Powder
• Bonne Bell's Shadowbox
• Revlon's Colorstay Liquid Liner
• Bonne Bell's Lipblush

For evening wear I apply:

• Physician's Formula Mineral Wear Pressed Powder
• Wet n Wild's Coloricon
• Revlon's Colorstay Liquid Liner
• Clinique's Different Lipstick

 

This is a very simple, natural look. As such it should only take 10 minutes. Natural is nice because it isn't false advertising. When you wash your face you're not going to look like a totally different person afterwards. I did this with a compact mirror while breastfeeding, it's that easy. Seriously.


I start with a simple mineral pressed powder, forgoing any sort of primer or foundation. My powder of choice is Physician's Formula Mineral Wear in translucent light, because I have the complexion of a ghost. Rather than apply it with the included brush, I use a third party kabuki brush, tapping off excess powder before application. This way I recieve lightweight, even coverage. Enough to protect me from the sun, but no where near enough to hide my freckles. Why mineral rather than talc? Because mineral powder is lighter and happens to also improve the quality of your skin when applied. Rather than dry it out or clog your pores, like talc often does.

I haven't noticed any difference applying my cosmetics over a primer and foundation just clogs the pores. If you need it, use it -- but if you can go without it, I highly recommend that you do. In the rare case of blemishes, I apply just a little foundation to the spot only, not all over. The idea is to minimize the appearance of the blemish without aggravating it or making the issue worse. My foundation of choice is Neutrogena's Skin-clearing Foundation in Fair which not only sits lightly on the skin but also works to help correct the cause of blemishes.

On my eyes I usually wear Bonne Bell's Shadowbox in Cafe Classics combined with Wet n Wild's Coloricon in Silent Treatment. I use the lightest color from the Shadowbox along the brow bone and the shimmery peach color over my lid. For formal or evening wear I mix the medium brown and the darkest color from the Coloricon and apply it to the crease of my eye. For a more dramatic look, apply the shadow wet rather than dry.

I pull the look together with a thin line of liquid liner along my lashline. My preferred liner is Revlon's Colorstay Liquid Liner in dark brown, not black. It's waterproof but easily comes off when you wash your face -- unlike many liquid liners I've tried. It's also light, so your eyelids don't feel weird with it on. My lashes are naturally long and thick, so I tend to go without mascara.

For my lips I wear Bonne Bell's Lipblush in any color, because they're all nice and glossy with only a little pigment. They also happen to soften my lips more than most glosses I've paid five times s much for. If I want more color I opt for something a little costlier. Only because of all cosmetics, lipstick is the only one where it is absolutely imperative it stays in place. You do not want it smeared off of your lips or caked on your teeth when you smile. I like Clinique's Different Lipstick in Water Violet, but I don't think they make it anymore. I smooth it on and press my lips together, blot with a square of tissue paper and then reapply to my top lip and press again.

Wee!

.

Profound Sadness

Peace + Peace = 4
Wait...

As many of you recall, my mom could not make the 3000 mile journey to be at my side when I had my son in October. Originally it was a question of spontaneity. Airplane tickets tend to be absurdly overpriced if you have to purchase them last-minute (especially cross country) and since you seldom know exactly when to expect labor, that's how she'd need to buy them. Even so, she was going to do her best to stash some cash so that she could be there.

It was really important to me that she be there. I've been in the hospital a lot and she has always been by my side. Being admitted without her seemed like a frightening and to be absolutely candid, saddening idea to me. I was a little bummed by the mere prospect that there was even a remote chance she'd be unable to make it. Finding out I would likely have to be induced was almost a relief, even as much as I did not want to be induced, simply for the fact that it would give my mom a heads up to make arrangements to come out here.

So when I called to let her know there was an official deadline in place as to how far my doctors would allow this pregnancy to continue, I was excited. When I dialed her up on the telephone there was something in her voice that suggested something was amiss, but her boss' wife had been being especially cunty lately and I attributed it to that. Looking back, I should've known better. The good news was that my grandfather had plenty of free miles to fly with and could very likely fly them both out here for next to nothing.

When I went into labor naturally the next morning, I texted her while waiting for my contractions to reach the five minute mark to let her know she should grab my grandfather and hurry to the airport. That's when, as recounted in my blog about my labor experience, she informed me she would be unable to make it due to having the flu. I was upset by this but had bringing a new life into the world to distract me from how sad the idea really was -- for her to miss the birth of her grandson. She promised to make the trip to meet him as soon as she could.

The days after delivery all sort of blurred together. One week turned into two and before I knew it, it was Halloween. My favorite holiday next to Thanksgiving. My grandfather was at my mom's house, so we decided to Skype. He doesn't know how to operate the program, so the only time he gets to see me is when he visits my mom's house, two states away from where he lives normally. I was really excited to introduce them to Jude in real-time. It was also nice because I could also introduce them to Aaron's parents, who were over at the time. They've been wanting to meet for a while now, so this would be perfect. Unfortunately with company over and with mommy duty never ending, I ran out of hours in the day and we had to postpone the call until the following day.

The next day, I got my mom and grandfather on Skype. I was so happy to see them both. It had been a tough few weeks postpartum. Adjusting to life as a parent is no easy feat. Seeing my own parent was extremely comforting. She did it alone. Immediately I knew something was off. My mother, who has never worn a hat in her life, was in one. "You're in a cap," I remarked curiously.

"I am," she responded. I shook the strangeness out of my mind, because she's not opposed to trying new things and introduced her to new grandson and Aaron's parents. Then she teared up a little and apologized for having to tell me this way, with company present. I boggled for a minute, wondering what she meant, and then she simply blurted out the news, "I have cancer."

Anyone who knows me knows how rarely I cry. Especially in front of other people. Yet the moment that word left her lips I just burst into tears. Unable to hug my mom, I hugged Aaron's. Aaron appeared from the back room and guided me into the bedroom for some privacy, baby in one hand, phone in the other. There my mom and grandfather tried to console me and the only reason I was able to regain composure was due to this singular thought: she has cancer and yet she's the one trying to comfort me. How ridiculous.

She assured me she was responding well to treatment and revealed that she had known for some time now. She made up the story about having the flu because she didn't want me to relate the birth of my first child to her having cancer. Then she removed her hat to show her bald head, having already lost all of her hair to the chemo. All of her lovely red hair. She looked good though. Her skin was luminous and her eyes were bright. Illness and radiation hadn't made her any less beautiful.

Since then I've learned it's lymphoma, a very aggressive form of cancer, but also completely curable if caught in time. So there is hope. It will be a while before she can come out here, since she has to plan the trip around the breaks in her chemotherapy, but with any luck I'll be able to hug her directly after the holidays.

In the meanwhile, anyone have any particularly delicious recipes with ginger as the main ingredient? Cookies, tea, muffins, etc.? Easing her nausea from the radiation would be a fabulous gift. More  immediately useful than prayers or wishes (though please send those too).

Mom's A Wizard

MIND = BLOWN

Usually I only sing or hum to Jude when he's on the brink of sleep, to help facilitate the process. Last night while Aaron was running out to grab us a bite to eat I decided to sing to him while he was fully awake. Best decision ever. No, really. I am a master of decision making.

Never before have I felt that amazing, like some fantastical creature of myth and legend. His eyes opened like little saucers, and I could see he was trying to figure out how the hell I was doing what I was doing. He grew completely still, watching me with intensity and drew in his bottom lip. Such an expression of wonder! I laughed until I cried. He looked like a curious owl. Then he cracked the biggest smile and didn't quit smiling.

Fast forward to this morning. Reflecting on it while looking at the picture above on my phone, I decided this was something that needed to happen. Maybe it was because Jude had woken me up so early and I was suffering from a touch of deprivation, or maybe I'm just a mad genius -- this was how I decided to spend the morning: transforming Jude into an owl using my phone and its stylus.

You're welcome.

Thanks For...

Jude's first Thanksgiving!

So people have been doing this, "Say one thing you're thankful for every day of the month..." thing all through November. I decided I'd rather just wait until November ended and post all of mine at once though, in no particular order. Efficiency!

30. I am thankful that there is always food on the table. If ever I am hungry, it's by choice.
29. I am thankful for the existence of video games.
28. I am thankful for owning our own vehicle. Walking is optional.
27. I am thankful for parcel services such as the USPS, Fedex, and UPS.
26. I am thankful that I can sit here making a list about what I'm thankful for.
25. I am thankful for our dishwasher, saving me time.
24. I am thankful for hot tea.
23. I am thankful for good, thought-provoking television shows.
22. I am thankful for hearing aids. The world can seem like a very lonely place when it's silent.
21. I am thankful for having a home of my own, but being welcome elsewhere any time.
20. I am thankful for Neelix and Intruder. They create quite a dynamic.
19. I am thankful for rainy days.
18. I am thankful for medicine, despite its cost.
17. I am thankful that nonprofit charities are a thing that exists.
16. I am thankful for lightly scented candles creating an atmosphere of calm.
15. I am thankful for public education, regardless of flaws.
14. I am thankful for the clothes on my back (and my feet -- nothing beats warm socks).
13. I am thankful for lanolin cream! lol.
12. I am thankful for books and the chance to enter another world for a time.
11. I am thankful for the ability to put pen to paper and create something lovely.
10. I am thankful for antiques.
9. I am thankful for the Internet: making a large world comfortably small.
8. I am thankful for democracy. Not everyone has a say in their government.
7. I am thankful for my friends, whether I know them face-to-face or not.
6. I am thankful for my health, as peculiar as it is -- I am alive.
5. I am thankful for holidays that bring us all together.
4. I am thankful for my family. My grandfather, my mother, and my second mother. My sisters, and my nieces and nephews. Without them I am incomplete.
3. I am thankful for the generosity of others.
2. I am thankful to have created a new life, and to have welcomed Jude to the world.
1. I am thankful for Aaron, who loves, inspires, and supports me. My life is enriched simply for having him in it.

Rough Start

Sleep Deprivation Unit activate!

Motherhood is a magical experience. Normally it's a lot like playing The Sims. So long as baby's hunger, bladder, sleep, social, and entertainment meters are full -- baby is content. Little toothless smiles up at you after a good nap and happy cooing when baby notices you've entered the room are priceless. That said, it's not all adorable. Being a mom is hard fucking work. For every good day you and your newborn have together, there's bound to be a bad one around the corner as he adjusts to life in the world. I could just spew all the good tales at you, but that's not fair. It's not honest. So, here's the story of this morning.

I've been battling a cold for the better part of a week now, and this morning was no different. Around seven AM, after having only been asleep in his bassinet for thirty minutes or so (par for the course), Jude wakes himself up farting, realizes he's not in mommy's arms and that he has wet his diaper and decides this combination of things are the worst that's ever happened (circumcision aside). Sniffly and exhausted I get up to soothe him so that I may wash my hands, but he is far too sleepy and upset to be truly soothed. So I just have to wash my hands while he fusses and cries about life in the living room.

Hands germ free, I get him on the changing table and alert enough to realize dingos are not eating him, so he's finally calm and content. Until... he pees on himself. The world ends when you pee on yourself. Lets be real, this isn't mere crying like before, this is a true wail fest. He's also peed on me, so I have to go wash my hands again before I can finish the diaper change. Now he's crying even harder to the point of near screaming because not only has he peed on himself but mommy is gone. Dingos must have eaten her. It's a dingo apocalypse up in here.

I return, hands germ free again, and try to soothe him but he is so worked up by this point that it cannot be done. I can't be mommy! I must be the ghost of mommy because dingos ate her two minutes ago! I proceed with the diaper change while he's flailing and crying, cleaning him up, applying the Vaseline to his healing incision, and finally closing the diaper (after several tries due to kicking legs). Once I scoop him back up into my arms everything is right in the world and the wailing instantly stops. I take him back out into the living room and nurse a smiling little boy as if none of this morning really happened and maybe I'm just a crazy person.

Lets hope this isn't an omen as to how the remainder of this day will play out.

Postpartum

I write this under the same disclaimer as my last post.

The days following the birth of our son are hazy to me. Many encounters I had, I've forgotten entirely while others manage to remain in my mind fairly clear. For instance, I was completely unaware that I had partaken in a rather thorough explanation of the hospital's food services and menu options with a cafeteria representative. I thought you just received whatever was on the menu for the day and it was a complete surprise.I didn't know you could order food beyond breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and even change your entree from what was on the menu to whatever you wanted so long as you notified them in time enough prior to the meal's serving time.

I do remember shaking uncontrollably after birth, probably from pain, adrenaline and blood loss. No amount of warm blankets helped. I remember how proud Aaron was. I remember that the nurse who weighed Jude had to weigh him a second time because she couldn't believe it. I remember not being able to move my right leg from the epidural for a long, long while. I do not remember Josh and Melina being in the delivery room with me for a little bit after birth before I was taken upstairs to the recovery room. Which means I also didn't remember the photos they had taken -- thankfully I was wearing clothes!

I remember that all of the nurses were amazed by how long my delivery took and even more in awe with how long I pushed. They also kept warning me that Jude would be a night owl and I should not expect him to sleep much during the night, only for him to sleep like a champ. Had nurses not come to wake him up for a feeding, he would have slept the entire night! I remember they wanted to give me a room mate but (thankfully) decided not to because Aaron was rooming with me in a cot. I do not recall the social security representative or the birth certificate one coming in to brief us on how to receive official copies of each. I do not recall the vaccinations or the speeches preceding them, only that I received two and Jude received one. I vaguely recall the hearing screening a-okaying Jude's hearing.

I remember a day or two later that my doctor came in surprised I stuck it out so long. The average birth takes six hours and the average time spent pushing is roughly an hour. I labored for twenty-nine hours and pushed for four! I remember him saying that after two hours most women opt for an elective c-section. I was far too stubborn for that though. I remember a pediatrician coming in but I do not remember what he talked to us about.

I remember a nurse briefing me about when I am finally checked out, how I'd receive a prescription for two different types of pain killers. I also remember how, when it came time to check out a day or so later, that one of those prescriptions magically disappeared and they were going to send me home with Motrin alone. After a bit of confusion they finally sent me home with a new prescription for a lesser pain killer, but at least it was something. I still have no idea what became of the original prescription (it was being kept at the nurse's station), I don't think anyone does. I don't remember the process of checking out, only the journey down to the car escorted by a nurse.

The car ride home was nerve wracking. It seemed like every other car on the road was driven by a mad man. The first twenty-four hours at home were spent nursing and napping with absolutely no time for anything else which left me sleep deprived and starving. Jude had developed an appetite but I was still only expressing colostrum. A combination of my milk coming in late, and little time for rest leaving me with little supply once it had, meant by Jude's Monday doctor appointment he'd lost an entire pound from his birth weight. Far more than the acceptable ten percent that's expected. So we had to introduce him to a bottle and formula supplement. Luckily introducing him to the bottle didn't effect his ability or desire to breast feed.

I had planned on remaining enrolled in classes after birth, doing my work from home for a few weeks and going in for exams and such. Unfortunately I did not consider a difficult birth of a large baby. Ultimately, I wound up needing to drop them. After merely taking a casual stroll with Aaron and Jude a week later, I passed a blood clot the size of a chicken egg followed by an increase in bleeding. Nurses instructed me to get as much rest as possible and if the bleeding didn't begin to taper off again in twelve hours or increased at all to go straight to the emergency room. So that ended that. Only now, nearly five weeks later am I beginning to feel any better physically though lack of sleep certainly hasn't sped along my recovery, that's for sure.

My pregnancy anemia is worse due to the amount of blood lost during childbirth, resulting in spontaneous bruising, fatigue, and headaches. My hip can barely support my weight, making walking painful and difficult. Naturally, it goes without saying that it feels like someone kicked me in the uterus and the rearrangement of one's organs is never pleasant. We'll see what the doctors say on the twentieth. Hopefully it's all going well, even if slow. Still wouldn't trade it for the world.

Jude's up to ten pounds as of his circumcision, having regained all of his birth weight and then some. As such, we've weened him off the supplementing to see if I'm producing enough milk to sate him now. I think it may be ideal to continue giving him one bottle in the evening so that he sleeps a little longer, so I don't deteriorate due to deprivation again. Breast milk is easier to digest than formula, so babies get hungrier faster. Jude only sleeps for a max of two hours after breast feeding, usually less. He'll sleep for four or so after a bottle of formula at night. We'll see how he's doing post circumcision tomorrow at his one month well-check. I'll keep you posted.

Other than these things, I don't recall anything else. I know Jon and Sean came to meet Jude when we got home from the hospital, but I don't actually remember this taking place. It's all very surreal.