Saturday, November 29, 2008

Things I Should Have Said Sooner

I've been quiet for long enough. I always try so hard to avoid existing drama or causing drama, but you know what? It's no longer my duty to keep his rotten secrets. I gain nothing by making this information public. Keep that in mind. In fact it makes me look rather naive and stupid for staying with him for so long. Which is deserved. Because of pity and an inability to believe people can be inherently bad, I stuck around too long.

My only real hope is that friends who have been mislead can see my ex for what he truly is and avoid being hurt.

While I feel it is, for the most part a moot point since I've moved on with my life, apparently some of my old friends were given an entirely incorrect account of events. Which is something I simply can't abide. They've been lied to long enough.

I guess you could most easily sum up my last relationship with the fact that I wound up dating a man from communist Asia. What does that mean? Well, it meant I was held to a higher standard than most people are accustomed to dealing with in America. Appearance was paramount. I was expected to wear a uniform, around the house, that consisted of khaki pants and a polo shirt -- buttoned all the way up at all times -- even if it was 100 degrees. I was expected to wear make-up and do my hair, even if I was sicker than a dog. I was expected to do all of the house work all on my own and have a career. It was in all regards, looking back, an abusive relationship. One that became increasingly difficult to escape from.

It should be stated before you go further that my life, six years ago was a lot like an episode of The Guild. Only if Zaboo was a sociopath. While I had a lot of offline friends, the majority of my closest friendships began online. You must understand that I was from a small town in Ohio, the pickings were slim. There weren't a lot of people period, let alone ones I wanted to form friendships with.

I guess the fact that my ex was a compulsive liar had somehow managed to sneak under the radar even despite the fact that for the first few years my friends and I all knew him, he was lying to us. He had shown us all a photo of some fit white man and claimed he was a 27 year old artist. This was not just a lie he had told to me, he had told it to everyone of us: Kevin, Matt, Helena, Dalton, Rachel, Donald, Louis, Rivo, and everyone else.

It wasn't until several years later that he would reveal to me and me alone that he was in actuality a short, portly Asian kid. Now to be totally candid here: I thought he was fucking with me. When I met him for the first time, I expected to meet a 27 year old Caucasian. Not an out of shape, little 20 year old Asian. But that is what he was.

I decided that I should not hold his insecurities against him, to look beyond his dishonesty and give him a chance. Be the bigger person. This was my mistake. I admit that freely. I convinced him to stop lying to the rest of our friends though (at least in this singular instance), advice which he took to heart. Everyone was completely stunned. Like me, they thought he was just messing with them. Eventually though, they realized just as I did, that that was the truth. He was not the person he had lead them all to believe.

And it unfortunately did not end there. He told us all sorts of lies on top of that one, which I wouldn't uncover until much, much later.

Such as the accident he had supposedly gotten into right before moving in with me, where three of his friends died? Never happened. My ex was in a hospital for some reason to be sure, but it was not due to a car accident. Prior to moving to Ohio, he didn't even had a car. His father bought him his SUV specifically for the drive North. You need look no further than his wrist. He said he had to have major surgery to close up a bone-deep gash from the accident, and that's why he was hospitalized. Yet there is no scar.

The house he lived in before moving in to my apartment? Never existed. Up until he moved in with me, he lived in his parents house. The people who we'd hear knocking on his door speaking at him weren't illegal immigrants living in the house until they could support themselves: those were his parents trying to get him to come out of his bedroom and eat meals at the table like a human.

A conversation I had with his sister revealed that he'd never even left his parent's house. Ever. Like, not even to go out to party or whatever. Which incidentally also contradicts his claims of being a bad boy party animal. His life long best friend reaffirmed this information later.

All of his college and military experience? Also lies. He claimed to have served in the army, and was being shipped to Iraq. He also claimed to have a 4 year college degree. He was only 20 when he met me. I'll give you a minute to do the math there. Yeah, it doesn't add up. It's completely impossible for him to have done either of those things, let alone both of them. Especially if you know that he did terribly in high school and therefor definitely did not go to college early.

He did not attend college at all, in fact. Not in Florida, nor in Ohio. Even though the college was 15 minutes from my apartment and my rich family offered to pay his tuition. He was too lazy to go to college for free.

Oh, and his family is not wealthy. In fact they are basically the opposite of wealthy. His mother, father, sister, sister's husband, three nephews and two nieces all live under the same roof. Only two of them have jobs.

The worst lie, I think, is the one he told us all about his brother. First of all, he doesn't even have a brother. Never did. There is not a single photograph in the entire household of this alleged brother who died a hero in Iraq. Because he doesn't exist. Don't you find it curious that he never gives a name to this brother? If my sibling died a war hero I'd mention him by name anytime the topic came up. My house would have his photo framed on the wall out of respect.

Yet my ex never once mentioned this imaginary person's name. And, as previously mentioned, not a single photograph exists of this person. I would know, I sat through hours of family albums at his mother's house. Childhood on through high school, it's always my ex and his two sisters. That's it. This tragedy never took place. The guy never existed. What kind of monster makes up a fictional family member to kill off?

Then there's our business. With funding entirely from my family, we opened up our own computer sales and repair business called Perfect PC. We did well. Or more appropriately, my mother and I did well because my ex would not work if his life depended on it. Yet here my mother is doing extra work on top of her full time career, and here I was doing work for two even though at the time I was physically disabled.

It gets worse. Several of our online friends came to us for business. Fixing their computers or building them new ones. In particular, Dalton, Matt, and Louis. Louis sent us his payment in full and my ex decided not to build him a new computer. Instead he decided to pocket the money for himself. He used it to buy a PS3. He lied and told Louis that the computer must have been lost in the mail. When Louis asked for my ex to scan the receipt from the UPS store, my ex took an old receipt, photoshopped the date and sent it to him. I did not have knowledge of these events right away, or I would not have stood for them.

Louis, trusting my ex, saved up more money and paid for the computer a second time. My ex tried to pocket this money as well only I intercepted it. I bought the parts for Louis' computer and put it together myself. I had my mother ship it to him. If it were not for my intervention, my ex would have stolen Louis' money twice.

He also planned to steal Matt and Dalton's money as well, which is why it took so long for those computers to get built. It only takes at most 45 minutes to build a computer. Didn't you find it odd that it took over 4 weeks to see the end result? I didn't even know the two of them had ordered computers and gave us money until I overheard them discussing it in Ventrilo. Then I FORCED my ex to give me the cash so that I could build and send them their computers. My ex loathed me for this, saying I was being an idiot and if they kept sending us money, it was their faults for being so gullible.

I didn't agree. This was the beginning of the end for me. Finding out the truth about his nonexistent brother brought us to the precipice. Him cheating on me and trying to force himself upon me was the straw that broke the camel's back. The events that followed our break-up prevented us from ever being friends again. Though chances are the events that took place prior to our break-up probably would've prevented us from being friends anyway.

After I finally dumped him he continued to steal money from my bank account. Likely to take his new girlfriend out with since he had no job. I imagine he lied to her as well. Claiming to be wealthy when the $1000 parties he took her to were funded out of my bank account. Stealing money from your ex girlfriend to take out your new girlfriend is real classy. To make it even worse, when I finally retrieved all of my furniture and worldly possessions -- since everything was mine, he stole from me again.

Notably diamond jewelry which my family had gotten me. A heart-shaped ring encrusted with diamonds from my grandfather. A diamond solitaire from my mother. And a diamond necklace my family had given me for Christmas. Chances are he either sold the items or gave them to his new girlfriend, since all of the items stolen were expensive and heart-shaped with the exception of the ring. Which could have easily been converted into an engagement ring. Poor girl.

I wonder if she realizes he begged and pleaded for me to take him back, claiming to only be dating her because she was easy? Probably not.

He also stole my PS3 and one of my computers. Both items he had given to his nephews for their birthdays. Once again giving away other people's property in lieu of actually spending money on anyone himself. Since his nephews could not be considered guilty by association, I let them keep the items.

He tried to keep my cat, claiming that Neelix was his buddy, but I refused to allow that. Which was for the best because after I retrieved my belongings and my cat from Florida, a veterinary evaluation revealed that Neexlix had been horribly neglected. Fleas had eaten away an inch and a half of flesh from the cat's back, which could have been prevented by simply giving the cat a bath. He was severely malnourished, likely not receiving regular meals. And that he had contracted a parasite from being left outside unattended for so long that it nearly killed him. In short, had I not insisted on taking the cat, he would be dead right now.

From here I'm just going to split events into individuals directly impacted by them otherwise it'll be confusing and even longer than it is already. I encourage use of the search feature and typing in your name if you were listed above at all. Unless you are one of these people, the following text won't mean a whole lot to you so feel free to skip it.

Rachel:

This is something that has always bothered me. I want to take a second to sincerely apologize to Rachel.

When I first met my ex, I did not know he was already in an established relationship with her. He had told me that she was just some crazy ugly girl from England with a crush on him and that I should just ignore anything she said to me. Wanting to believe that my ex was not a terrible person, I believed him. Not that she was ugly, but the other things. Girls with unrealstic crushes were nothing new. I should have handled the situation with more skeptisism, though. Rachel was undoubtedly deeply hurt, but I had no idea that I had done anything to wrong her.

Normally we all hung out in voice chat, on the guild's Teamspeak server. To prevent the two of us from speaking to one another, my ex went so far as to set up a totally new Teamspeak server that she did not know about. One by one, everyone else was invited to hang out with us on the new server. Except for Rachel. I did not know she was being purposefully excluded. I thought what he had told me about her was true, and she simply moved on. It wasn't until a few weeks later when Matt accidentally invited her into the new Teamspeak and my ex FLIPPED OUT, that any of us realized something was amiss. That he was purposefully excluding only her.

It was something I did not agree with, and after a lot of talking, I convinced him to stop excluding her. I should have realized something deeper was going on then, but I was young and naive. So once again, Rachel, I am sorry for getting between the two of you. I honestly had no idea. But to be frank, I probably spared you in the long run, considering.

There were a number of things he did to 'spite' her, and even though I had no idea why he needed to spite her at all, I worked endlessly for about two years to make  him stop. Notably removing certain content from a certain site of his because he had no right to upload it.

Kevin:

Kevin was probably my closest friend, starting out. It was in his unexplained absence that my ex and I got together and upon his unexpected return, things went to shit quickly. My ex was convinced that Kevin and I were a thing before him. While we were definitely good friends, we were never a couple. Even when I told him as much, he insisted that Kevin had the biggest crush on me and could not be trusted. I was forbidden from speaking to him.

I really have NO idea why I listened to my ex and agreed that I shouldn't speak with Kevin anymore. I guess it was because Kevin had been gone almost a year and if he could go a year without speaking to me I figured not speaking to him wouldn't be that big of a deal. And maybe it wasn't, but I feel badly about it regardless. My closest friend disappeared without a trace for almost a year and then came back. I wanted to talk to him about everything, find out what happened, celebrate his return. But I couldn't. I respected my ex's wishes and didn't want to make him any more insecure about himself than he already was.

The excuse Kevin gave for his absence was a valid one, however when he wasn't around my ex did everything in his power to invalidate it to the guild. He claimed that rather than what Kevin said happened, that Kevin was simply poor and had run out of money for internet. That Kevin was some loser living in his mom's house without a job or a car and this kind of behavior wasn't abnormal. My ex knew Kevin for longer than I did, so I guess everyone just trusted his word on the issue. We really shouldn't have, though.

He made light of Kevin at every opoprtunity, because he viewed him as his ownly true competetor. Rather than be a friend to him, he was his saboteur. Constantly.

After several noteworthy fall outs between the two, my ex kicked him from the guild and forbade anyone from speaking to him ever again. Like always, I sent Kevin a message and apologized for my ex's behavior and wished him well. This is the last time I'd ever speak with Kevin. My ex began avidly avoiding games he knew Kevin was playing, out of fear that he and I would talk in secret. Why? I don't know. I always mistakenly abided by my ex's ridiculous rules. For that, I am sorry.

 Matt:

There was so much wrong done to Matt that it's hard to know where to begin. I suppose all of the trivial stuff, the times my ex freaked out on him for absolutely no reason and kicked him out of the guild, doesn't truly matter. It was the events involving Matt's personal life and relationships that should be discussed. In particular the situation involving Kioki, who in all honesty would've been good for him at the time.

Kioki was a girl who had joined our guild down the line and showed a serious interest in Matt. My ex, for whatever reason, hated it when chicks took an interest in anyone other than him. Even though he and I were in a relationship and living together by this point. My ex immediately started pulling Kioki aside to speak with her in private. Not even I was supposed to see the things they were talking about. My ex claimed it was plot-related.

Well, it was. Just not role-play related. It was a plot to prevent Kioki from dating Matt. Now this happened countless other times with Matt, Kevin, and Dalton and any number of chicks who showed any of them interest. So I'm not sure why the Kioki situation stands out so strongly in my mind. Maybe it's because the lies being told were so mean?

We were in Florida at the time, and my ex was 'chatting in private' with Kioki about 'the plot' and he thought I had fallen asleep. I was laying in bed, however I was propped up on my elbow reading the screen over his shoulder. He was leading her on, seducing her with lies of fame and wealth. Not only was he leading her on, he was damning Matt with lies. Telling Kioki that Matt still lived at home with his mom, had no money, no job, wasn't going to school, and worst of all that he had gotten herpes from his ex.

The only true statement among those is that Matt was still living with his family. For good reason though. Matt was still young, and going to college. Also, he certainly had a job and definitely had not contracted herpes from his ex.

Almost immediately after this, any potential between Matt and Kioki exploded into ruin and then my ex revealed, probably just to be hurtful, that Kioki was a lying bitch cheating on Matt all along -- with him. Only, she wouldn't have ever considered straying from Matt had my ex not manipulated the situation. The amount of times my ex came between Matt and happiness is beyond count.

Rather than withdraw from socializing out of fear that I would say too much and get in trouble with my ex irl, I should have just told Matt everything. I am sorry for not doing that sooner.

Dalton:

Dalton was like my little brother. He was always saying or doing things that landed him in trouble with people and I was always apologizing on his behalf and setting things right so that he wouldn't get black listed. When Dalton made mistakes like that, it wasn't on purpose. He was just a kid.

My ex hated him, all while claiming to be his buddy. The amount of times he did the things to Dalton that Dalton didn't deserve sickened me, and it was a source of contention between my ex and I for a long time.

He would constantly blow up on Dalton and make the kid feel bad for no reason, and I would always MAKE him get back online to apologize. His treatment of Dalton was, to me, unacceptable. Dalton was the only person thrown out of the guild without real reason more than Kevin. And just like with Kevin, I was always the only reason he was invited back. My ex was a spiteful person and would hold a grudge, justified or not, forever if no one intervened.

There were also instances where my ex would steal girls from Dalton as well, the girl on the webcam from Russia comes to mind. She was an adorable young woman Dalton had met on Stickam and had a budding relationship with. Realistic or not, it made him happy. So when my ex started speaking to the girl in private and convincing her to stray from Dalton, Dalton was understandably hurt. Even more so when my ex had paid the girl to show him her boobs and then took a screenshot, edited out the point that the only reason she did so was because he was paying her. Leading Dalton to the wrong conclusion.

By this point though, I was so far removed from social interaction with the guild that I wasn't even anywhere near my own computer. The constant dickery my ex partook in made it impossible for me to talk to my friends anymore because everything I said contradicted him, and he was abusive to me irl about it. I was not allowed to disagree with him. Ever. Especially not on the internet. I'm sorry to Dalton for not standing up to my ex sooner. I truly should have.

I was only further removed from being in a position to help when my ex made it forbidden for me to be online while he wasn't. Probably because of his guilty conscience as he was messing around with other people behind my back. He didn't want me messing around with anyone behind his. Not that I would ever do something like that. I've never cheated on anyone. I couldn't even play games on consoles that were multiplayer, even if I was playing them single player simply for the possibility that someone may at some point behind his back join my campaign. Yes, it was that absurd.

To be honest, with everything I've been through in my life, the only regret I have is not telling the facts like this sooner.

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