10 Pounds

10 lb. of pure love.

I just have to say, I adore being a mother. It is absolutely worth the self sacrifice. Every smile, every cuddle, every giggle, and that sweet face more than make up for the sleep deprivation, fussy days, lack of time for yourself, and surprise diapers. Watching his personality develop, helping him learn... The love I have for this little person is overwhelming. I cannot wait to share more of the world with him.

Demanding

It's okay to wash the baby with the laundry
if I use the gentle cycle and Dreft, right?

I love motherhood and being a mommy. It's hard work, easily the hardest work I've ever done, and I spent a summer flipping hundreds of queen size mattresses daily (physically demanding) and several years running my own business (mentally demanding). However it is also absolutely the most rewarding.

The first few weeks of his life were the roughest I've ever survived. I was weak from a difficult delivery, trying to breastfeed a baby born with an appetite when my milk hadn't yet come in, and we were under the impression that a baby HAD to sleep in a bassinet. Of course the one place the baby would not sleep was his bassinet. I got no sleep and essentially spent every waking moment nursing.

It wasn't until I just started sleeping in bed with him nestled beside me that I got any sleep at all, but I felt guilty about doing this. Wouldn't my baby spontaneously combust or something if he didn't sleep swaddled on his back in the bassinet?! No, actually. After a lot of research, this became our norm and life was much happier for both of us because of it.

After month 2, all was well. Jude developed his own schedule, slept through the night, and left me with plenty of time to at least accomplish sitting tasks (writing, chatting, gaming, art, etc.) on my own, with him in my lap (nursing, talking to me, or napping). He required very little in this stage of life, kind of like he was still in the womb. I'd read or sing to him and that was really the extent of entertainment required. Tummy Time was practiced out of necessity rather than interest.

By comparison now, Jude is a fairly needy baby, quickly approaching 4 months. He wants to be amused, stimulated, interacted with. As well he should. So long as his needs are met, he's happy. Though he dislikes everything for at least 5 fussy unsure minutes before enjoying it. He hates to be put down, especially in a reclined position, so I'm often hauling him around from the moment we get up (7am latest) until the moment he goes to bed (about 7-8pm), entertaining him in various ways. Great exercise, considering his weight and unwieldiness. My back hates it though.

While I expected raising a child would require my full attention, I did not account for all the carrying. He doesn't seem to much enjoy the Baby Bjorn style carrier either, meaning my hands are never free.

I do not believe in cry-it-out, for many reasons. First of which being the research done on its long term effects. Second being it's ineffectiveness, many babies just cry until passing out, sometimes upwards of 45 minutes -- that isn't healthy. Sure, some babies will cry for 5-10 minutes then find something interesting to distract them and be fine. This is okay. Sometimes you need to get something done and baby just needs to deal with it. If after a few minutes baby is still screaming, it's probably better to go scoop them up rather than let them drive your neighbors batty and pass out thinking you were eaten by dingos.

"There is evidence that leaving babies to cry alone can increase their emotional stress level. Researchers measured saliva cortisol levels in infants during a sleep training program in which the infants were left to cry themselves to sleep over a three-day period. The infants’ cortisol levels were elevated when they were left to cry alone, indicating a state of high emotional stress. However, the cortisol levels remained high even on the third day, after the infants had stopped crying. This implies that, even though the sleep training program appeared to "work" and the infants fell asleep without crying, their stress levels were still high. Another study found that even brief separations between mothers and their 9-month-old infants can result in elevated infant cortisol levels, indicating emotional stress."

I get moments to myself, sort of, while he eats, and count myself lucky if he falls asleep on me while nursing because he has never been much of a daytime sleeper -- not even as a newborn. At most he will sleep for an hour total each day. Not consecutively. He usually sleeps fantastically at night though, for at least 8 hours. So there's that.

Basically, it leaves me with a lot of entertaining to do. So I'm seeking ideas. I know eventually he'll be more interested in things and willing to play on his own but until then, I need ideas so my brain doesn't turn to mush.

We do a lot of walking, talking, singing, and playing with various objects. Though most toys seem to be 6+ months... I try to get him to spend at least 30 minutes a day on his playmat with me, practicing at grabbing, holding, and pulling. There's Tummy Time, for as long as he'll tolerate it, but he started rolling himself over at 5 weeks so he gets bored of that really fast. I've made it a habit after diaper changes to take him into the restroom to talk to himself in the mirror and watch himself stomp around on the counter top (supported by me of course). Every now and then he'll watch a bit of TV in my lap, but it's typically less than 5 minutes before he'd rather be doing something else (don't blame him, but it's nice when I get to sit down). In the mornings he'll tolerate his swing for about 10-15 minutes but really has no interest in it for the rest of the day unless he's fallen asleep and I can sneak him into it without rousing him. We also go to fetch the mail together in the early afternoon. Every other day or so he gets a bath, which he enjoys more now than he used to, but has yet to play in the tub.

Sometimes he'll do all of these things, sometimes he'll only want to do some of them, and occasionally none of them -- which leaves me basically pacing around the house with him in my arms for nine hours straight. Which is just... it makes me tired thinking about it.

Any suggestions? Diversity is good, even if he doesn't care yet, it's nice for me!

You're Bad At Your Job

Before leaving for the holiday I called to set up a phone interview with the local branch of the Social Security administration. After sitting on hold for an hour or so, I get in touch with a person who schedules me an appointment for the 8th. I double check with them that: 

1. they will be calling me.
2. they have my correct phone number.

On the 4th, for whatever reason, they call my mother, who is listed as an emergency number, in Ohio. My mother, sick as she is, can't call to let me know until the 7th. At that point I may as well just wait for them to call me on the 8th. So this is what I do.

Except they don't call me for our scheduled interview at all on the 8th! I give them until 5:00 thinking maybe they're just behind... but nope! So I call them the following day after lunch only to discover they close at noon on Wednesdays.

The fuck? That's random. I know a lot of people who'd kill for a job that ended early for no reason whatsoever in the middle of the week, had weekends off, didn't start work until 9:00AM, and only worked until 3:00PM with all the benefits of full time.

At least the man who called left his phone extension so that I won't have to sit on hold all day anymore. Only problem? I call his line today, during their strange ass business hours, and there's no damned answer. I left a message, as instructed. Let's see if they get back to me in any sort of a timely manner. I won't hold my breath.

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

Haven't done this in a while!

Where did you begin 2012?
At Will and Ari's house.

What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Happily taken.

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Yes.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
Many times for my NSTs and having a baby.

Did you have any encounters with the police?

No.

Where did you go on vacation?
Los Angeles.

What did you purchase that was over $500?
A new laptop, though technically Aaron purchased it, so.

Did you know anybody who got married?
No. Strangely.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
Booka. <3

Did you move anywhere? 
No.

What sporting events did you attend?
None.

What concerts/shows did you go to?
I haven't been to a concert since like 2001.

Where do you live now?
California.

What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2012?
Have a baby! I didn't think I'd never have one, but I did not expect to have one in 2012.

What has/have been your favorite moment(s)?
Bringing Jude into the world.
Date night with Aaron.

What's something you learned about yourself?
I'm a fucking super hero.

Any new additions to your family?
Jude!

What was your best month?
April was pretty great.

What music will you remember 2012 by?
 The opening theme to Law and Order.

Made new friends?
Crystal and Nick.

Favorite Night[s] out?
Date night: sushi and a movie.

Any regrets?
Never.

What do you want to accomplish in 2013?
More art.
Shape Jude into a human being.

What would you change about 2012?
Knowing I was pregnant sooner would have been fun.

Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Los Angeles. Lion's Arch?

Have any life changes in 2012?
Where once we were a couple, now we are a family.

Change your hairstyle?
No.

Get a new job?
No.

Do you have a New Year's resolution?
Complete more art.

Did anything embarrassing?
Undoubtedly.

Buy anything new from eBay?
No.

What was/were your favorite purchase[s]?
New laptop!
Uhm, Palmer's Coco Butter lipgloss.

Get married or divorced?
No.

Get arrested?
No.

Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
Nope.

Did you get sick this year?
Naturally.

Start a new hobby?
Nah, I have a ton of hobbies already.

Are you happy to see 2012 go?
I guess? This question is always weird.

Drank Starbucks in 2012?
A few times.

What are you wishing for in 2013?
A predictable schedule. Artistic inspiration.

What's On Your Face?

1.) Nude 2.) Base 3.) Shadow 4.) Finished

I get a lot of questions about what sort of make-up I wear and I always say, "I'll tell you guys later," but then never do. Not to keep it a secret or anything like that, but because I wind up blogging about something else entirely and simply forget. I've been wearing the same few things, when I'm wearing anything at all, for about as long as I can remember. It's a quick polished look that can be lightened or darkened depending on circumstance and is altogether cheap.

I have used top of the line cosmetics that will run you an entire paycheck and dirt cheap cosmetics you can find at any convenience store known to mankind. Honestly aside from a couple of things (longevity, color intensity -- both of which can be worked around) I've noticed no true difference. In fact, some of the cheaper brands have actually not only out-performed their expensive counterparts but also improved my skin.

For daytime wear I apply:

• Physician's Formula Mineral Wear Pressed Powder
• Bonne Bell's Shadowbox
• Revlon's Colorstay Liquid Liner
• Bonne Bell's Lipblush

For evening wear I apply:

• Physician's Formula Mineral Wear Pressed Powder
• Wet n Wild's Coloricon
• Revlon's Colorstay Liquid Liner
• Clinique's Different Lipstick

 

This is a very simple, natural look. As such it should only take 10 minutes. Natural is nice because it isn't false advertising. When you wash your face you're not going to look like a totally different person afterwards. I did this with a compact mirror while breastfeeding, it's that easy. Seriously.


I start with a simple mineral pressed powder, forgoing any sort of primer or foundation. My powder of choice is Physician's Formula Mineral Wear in translucent light, because I have the complexion of a ghost. Rather than apply it with the included brush, I use a third party kabuki brush, tapping off excess powder before application. This way I recieve lightweight, even coverage. Enough to protect me from the sun, but no where near enough to hide my freckles. Why mineral rather than talc? Because mineral powder is lighter and happens to also improve the quality of your skin when applied. Rather than dry it out or clog your pores, like talc often does.

I haven't noticed any difference applying my cosmetics over a primer and foundation just clogs the pores. If you need it, use it -- but if you can go without it, I highly recommend that you do. In the rare case of blemishes, I apply just a little foundation to the spot only, not all over. The idea is to minimize the appearance of the blemish without aggravating it or making the issue worse. My foundation of choice is Neutrogena's Skin-clearing Foundation in Fair which not only sits lightly on the skin but also works to help correct the cause of blemishes.

On my eyes I usually wear Bonne Bell's Shadowbox in Cafe Classics combined with Wet n Wild's Coloricon in Silent Treatment. I use the lightest color from the Shadowbox along the brow bone and the shimmery peach color over my lid. For formal or evening wear I mix the medium brown and the darkest color from the Coloricon and apply it to the crease of my eye. For a more dramatic look, apply the shadow wet rather than dry.

I pull the look together with a thin line of liquid liner along my lashline. My preferred liner is Revlon's Colorstay Liquid Liner in dark brown, not black. It's waterproof but easily comes off when you wash your face -- unlike many liquid liners I've tried. It's also light, so your eyelids don't feel weird with it on. My lashes are naturally long and thick, so I tend to go without mascara.

For my lips I wear Bonne Bell's Lipblush in any color, because they're all nice and glossy with only a little pigment. They also happen to soften my lips more than most glosses I've paid five times s much for. If I want more color I opt for something a little costlier. Only because of all cosmetics, lipstick is the only one where it is absolutely imperative it stays in place. You do not want it smeared off of your lips or caked on your teeth when you smile. I like Clinique's Different Lipstick in Water Violet, but I don't think they make it anymore. I smooth it on and press my lips together, blot with a square of tissue paper and then reapply to my top lip and press again.

Wee!

.

Profound Sadness

Peace + Peace = 4
Wait...

As many of you recall, my mom could not make the 3000 mile journey to be at my side when I had my son in October. Originally it was a question of spontaneity. Airplane tickets tend to be absurdly overpriced if you have to purchase them last-minute (especially cross country) and since you seldom know exactly when to expect labor, that's how she'd need to buy them. Even so, she was going to do her best to stash some cash so that she could be there.

It was really important to me that she be there. I've been in the hospital a lot and she has always been by my side. Being admitted without her seemed like a frightening and to be absolutely candid, saddening idea to me. I was a little bummed by the mere prospect that there was even a remote chance she'd be unable to make it. Finding out I would likely have to be induced was almost a relief, even as much as I did not want to be induced, simply for the fact that it would give my mom a heads up to make arrangements to come out here.

So when I called to let her know there was an official deadline in place as to how far my doctors would allow this pregnancy to continue, I was excited. When I dialed her up on the telephone there was something in her voice that suggested something was amiss, but her boss' wife had been being especially cunty lately and I attributed it to that. Looking back, I should've known better. The good news was that my grandfather had plenty of free miles to fly with and could very likely fly them both out here for next to nothing.

When I went into labor naturally the next morning, I texted her while waiting for my contractions to reach the five minute mark to let her know she should grab my grandfather and hurry to the airport. That's when, as recounted in my blog about my labor experience, she informed me she would be unable to make it due to having the flu. I was upset by this but had bringing a new life into the world to distract me from how sad the idea really was -- for her to miss the birth of her grandson. She promised to make the trip to meet him as soon as she could.

The days after delivery all sort of blurred together. One week turned into two and before I knew it, it was Halloween. My favorite holiday next to Thanksgiving. My grandfather was at my mom's house, so we decided to Skype. He doesn't know how to operate the program, so the only time he gets to see me is when he visits my mom's house, two states away from where he lives normally. I was really excited to introduce them to Jude in real-time. It was also nice because I could also introduce them to Aaron's parents, who were over at the time. They've been wanting to meet for a while now, so this would be perfect. Unfortunately with company over and with mommy duty never ending, I ran out of hours in the day and we had to postpone the call until the following day.

The next day, I got my mom and grandfather on Skype. I was so happy to see them both. It had been a tough few weeks postpartum. Adjusting to life as a parent is no easy feat. Seeing my own parent was extremely comforting. She did it alone. Immediately I knew something was off. My mother, who has never worn a hat in her life, was in one. "You're in a cap," I remarked curiously.

"I am," she responded. I shook the strangeness out of my mind, because she's not opposed to trying new things and introduced her to new grandson and Aaron's parents. Then she teared up a little and apologized for having to tell me this way, with company present. I boggled for a minute, wondering what she meant, and then she simply blurted out the news, "I have cancer."

Anyone who knows me knows how rarely I cry. Especially in front of other people. Yet the moment that word left her lips I just burst into tears. Unable to hug my mom, I hugged Aaron's. Aaron appeared from the back room and guided me into the bedroom for some privacy, baby in one hand, phone in the other. There my mom and grandfather tried to console me and the only reason I was able to regain composure was due to this singular thought: she has cancer and yet she's the one trying to comfort me. How ridiculous.

She assured me she was responding well to treatment and revealed that she had known for some time now. She made up the story about having the flu because she didn't want me to relate the birth of my first child to her having cancer. Then she removed her hat to show her bald head, having already lost all of her hair to the chemo. All of her lovely red hair. She looked good though. Her skin was luminous and her eyes were bright. Illness and radiation hadn't made her any less beautiful.

Since then I've learned it's lymphoma, a very aggressive form of cancer, but also completely curable if caught in time. So there is hope. It will be a while before she can come out here, since she has to plan the trip around the breaks in her chemotherapy, but with any luck I'll be able to hug her directly after the holidays.

In the meanwhile, anyone have any particularly delicious recipes with ginger as the main ingredient? Cookies, tea, muffins, etc.? Easing her nausea from the radiation would be a fabulous gift. More  immediately useful than prayers or wishes (though please send those too).

Mom's A Wizard

MIND = BLOWN

Usually I only sing or hum to Jude when he's on the brink of sleep, to help facilitate the process. Last night while Aaron was running out to grab us a bite to eat I decided to sing to him while he was fully awake. Best decision ever. No, really. I am a master of decision making.

Never before have I felt that amazing, like some fantastical creature of myth and legend. His eyes opened like little saucers, and I could see he was trying to figure out how the hell I was doing what I was doing. He grew completely still, watching me with intensity and drew in his bottom lip. Such an expression of wonder! I laughed until I cried. He looked like a curious owl. Then he cracked the biggest smile and didn't quit smiling.

Fast forward to this morning. Reflecting on it while looking at the picture above on my phone, I decided this was something that needed to happen. Maybe it was because Jude had woken me up so early and I was suffering from a touch of deprivation, or maybe I'm just a mad genius -- this was how I decided to spend the morning: transforming Jude into an owl using my phone and its stylus.

You're welcome.